Not again, I said to myself as my heart sank, and then immediately began racing as I realized the implications. I was still reeling from the last time. I don’t think I can go through this again.
It was a typical Southern California morning. The sun was out and the temperature was comfortable. I however was not.
For what seemed like an eternity I had been failing to live up to the standards placed on me. Others had come and gone and seemingly mastered that which I was still struggling to do. I felt like a complete failure. How was I ever going to take my place in society as a productive member?
My life to this point was good. I had managed to learn and grow as expected of one in my position. In fact, if I might be so bold, I was showing at least above average potential. I was lead to believe that anything was possible, that if I applied myself the sky was the limit, I could do anything I put my mind to, along with other annoying clichés made popular by the overachieving, positive, can do crowd.
I wanted to believe I could do anything. With the proper training and support and the right attitude I would go far. I did believe this. I did.
Its funny how little things can be so big. However, there really was nothing little about it. For me it was huge. My whole life hung in the balance that fateful morning. I was at a crossroads. I had been here several times before and failed. All the rest of my life hinged on what I did next. If I fail again there would be no tomorrow, not really, not in my mind, not for me. Oh sure the world would keep turning and people would continue to evolve. Children would be born and families would go on, but not me.
I stood there shaking. I had been approaching the door that would lead me to the confrontation I was dreading. I stopped about thirty feet short, unable to take another step. A very stern and intimidating woman of about fifty who seemed to live for these moments was waiting for me. I froze. There had to be another way. The thought of facing her again was more than I could bear.
I never felt so utterly worthless, as I turned and walked back the way I came. Maybe I should have faced my fears. Maybe I might have been successful this time. No, there’s no fooling myself. I had been trying to get it right, over and over, with the same results. I’m just a failure. I am forever destined to be a loser.